Last night, I dreamed that someone emailed me a fanfic drabble they wrote from the new project I'm working on. I'm taking that as a good omen.

I did finally get over my fear, and started typing up the project. I think I might die before I finish doing so. I didn't get 3000 words typed up, and my wrists were just aching. I still have a lot to go--I didn't even get through pink, which is where I started out at. Still, lots of words is a good thing, right?

More importantly, I haven't lost ideas or drive for this story yet. I actually got an idea for a new scene as I was falling asleep last night, and a way to change another one. So, I am just going to keep going, and working, and hope it stays good with me.

I really need to just type this damned mutant story up (tagged as "black hole" because that is what said bunny named itself. Yes, it named itself). My problem is that I am afraid to. I have something like a hundred pages written out by hand (not all that impressive. It's only a 6X9 notebook), and I'm afraid if I start typing it up, that I'm going to lose it.

Not lose the file (though that is in and of itself a valid concern, with as dicey as my home computer is), but lose the idea. I just...have this idea that if I start typing it up, and trying to do something real with it, the idea will die. That the file will just sit in my computer, and do nothing.

How do I overcome this feeling?

Has it really been six months since I last updated this journal? Wow. Nice job keeping up on having a writing journal there, D. I'm going to say that I've been too busy writing to keep up with this. Yeah, that sounds good.

In any case, let me just cap up what's been going on: On the first of November, I got hit by a story idea. Now, I don't mean that in an "it came to me" way, so much as "viciously attacked me like a Detroit mugging". And the more I wrote, the more stuff just kept getting added to it, ripped from all sort of different sources.

I've been writing on it as much as I could, and have gotten quite a bit done so far. I was a little stuck with a character, though. Mostly because of his nature (obnoxious and talks in circles).

misskalloway most generously offered to do a little roleplaying session with me, so I could get into his head a bit more. She really doesn't roleplay, but is a fantastic writer, so I jumped at the chance.

All I had been expecting to come out of it was to understand his speaking and thoughts a little more, but what I got was much more. He finally told me a question I've been wondering an answer to for a long time. And knowing the answer to that started to drop so many other plot issues into place.

I'm not saying that it fixed everything--it didn't--but there is so much lined up now. I sat staring at my monitor for a long time, just feeling utterly stunned before I went to bed.

When I woke up this morning, I felt very peaceful, and went about my day. A few minutes ago, the story started to morph again. No, not morph. It went through mitosis. It wants another in addition to the one I am writing. A prequel.

I am going to try another session tonight with another character who hasn't been talking to very much, this time with blackjackrocket. I'm almost a little afraid of what will come of it.

My writing streak is officially over. I was holding out hope for a while, but it's dead, Jim.

*Rubs face* how frustrating. I killed the original notepad I had, and was almost through another when all of my inspiration just went poof. I tried to write anyway, but nothing would come.

I'm wondering if I'm just getting bored with the scene I'm on. I'm thinking about just skipping ahead in the story, but I'm hesitant to do that, because I want to make sure I write the middle as well as the beginning and the end. That's one of my biggest problems with long projects--I have the beginning and the end, but it falls apart in between.

About a week ago, I started working on a scene from Arcana. Mostly to get it out of my head, but partially because I wanted to write something.

Yesterday, I realized that I'd filled up more than half my little memo pad. Yes, it's just a small notebook, but it's gone beyond the short scene I wanted to do, and is still going. Once I realized this, I had two thoughts:

1) Damn, this is going better than I thought *touches wood*.

2) This is going to be a massive pain in the ass to type up.

Pain in the ass or not, I'm just happy I'm getting work done here. This part of the story is running away with me, and I am incredibly happy for it.

I'm not a fan of Stephen King's work (mostly because I am too much of a weenie to read it), I agree with a great deal of his writing philosophies.

The one I was thinking of earlier was that he said writers must read, because it completes the cycle. Not to mention that if you don't read, you really aren't going to be able to write very well.

I haven't read much of fiction in a while. I finally picked up and started reading the three Jim Butcher books I'd picked up months ago. I devoured the first two, and am halfway through the third.

I feel filled up after reading them, more inspired. I also want to write fanfiction, but that's not the point. I feel inspired for my own original stuff. I wrote three pages on my Arcana story the other night, and I actually have an end to this bit of it that I'm working on. Not a lot of middle, but at least an end. I plan on working that today.

As long as I can stay awake after I get out of work.

Something was brought to my attention last night by blackjackrocket:

Me: Yeah, I saw. That's why I came to give you a scene from Turquoise to write. Dunno how much help I can be since I'm not doing well with writing myself, but we'll see
Blackjack: ooh, that's all right
Blackjack: hey, you said "I'm" instead of "I am"
Me: *Blinks* I...yes, I did. Is that odd?
Blackjack: you usually don't contract those words
Me: Huh. I never noticed that.
Blackjack: I think it's left over from not contracting during NaNo, but that seems to be the only phrase you do it to
Me: I contract most words unless I am (hah!) pissed off.
Me: Huh. I guess I don't do "I'm" much.

I scrolled through the first page of my personal journal. I am I am I am, with only one "I'm". I noticed that when I went to type "I'm", it would automatically be "I am". I'm going to have to work on that.

Insofar as writing goes, I'm still feeling very stuck. I got a few lines yesterday, but I just sort of...fizzled out. I have a wall at home that has sticky notes with scenes I want to get to get written on them. They're mocking me at this point. I think I need to find some new block breaking techniques.

...but I could use help from you guys.

In the current project I am trying to work on, the individual characters have specialization in magical areas. My problem is, I don't want to do this totally cliched.

I've already included the classical elements (fire, wind, water, earth), power over the mind (ala ESP), demon binding (similar to summoning), and control/communication with plants or animals. Is there any other areas I could explore, without making it sound too lame or video game-y?

Thanks to a suggestion by wolfgangmozart, I went to multilingual to see what Mihan means in Farsi. Apparently, it means homeland. I can deal with that being the meaning of her name.

So, yeah. Now I just need some more concrete things, and I can really get down to work. I still suffer from the probably of having no end point, though. I need to think more on that.

I was thinking about something for my Arcana story. A character appeared, and told me that her name was Mihan. I was more or less fine with that. However, I ran the name on google, just to make sure it's not Mandarin for whale testicle, or something like that.

Apparently, it's a Korean name. It's also a word in Farsi. I only know how to say "thank you" and count to ten in Korean, and know zero Farsi, so I've been trying to find out exactly what the word means in both langauges. I've had no luck. Neither baby name sites nor translator sites can tell me what this word means. I would like to let her have the name she wants, but I'd rather know what it means first.

I am not sure what to do with my NaNo novel. While I am going through and trying to edit the nitpicky things, I have no idea where to take it. As I mentioned before, I have no clear ending or anything.

I really like the characters, and some of the scenes. The story, however, seems to be going nowhere. I don't even have an outline to plot, because I have no idea where I am taking it.

I don't want to completely shelve this just yet, but it is looking like that may be what I have to do. I might end up cannibalizing elements of this for another story...but I am not sure what to do right now.

There is something in my brain that wants me to write it, but I don't know what it is. It's nebulous, and moves away when I try to grasp it. It's getting very frustrating.

I apologize for neglecting this journal.

After NaNo, I haven't looked much at the novel I was working on. I printed out all 119 pages, but the problem is...I realized I don't have an ending. I have that problem with novels, I have discovered. I don't have a clear ending in sight, so I burn out and never finish. So, I have put it to the side, for now.

Last night, I was flipping through my MP3 player, just seeing what was on it. I came across the song "Showbiz", by Muse (I can send it to you if you want it.). Something hit me, and I just started writing.

I wasn't sure what it was while I was writing it. I am still not sure. I know it involved the characters I mentioned in the bit of boysmut I mentioned I was writing a while ago. It hit me sometime later on that I may have just writing out-of-character, abusive dubcon for my own characters.

So...I think I need another original project to focus on. I have scraps of the ideas I had before, but nothing is really interesting me right now.

I apologize for not updating for a while. I've been sick and busy with NaNo.

While my NaNo is doing well, that's not really my reason for bringing it up. As I'm working on it, I'm amazed how easy it really is to do 2,000 words a day (or more), if I just make myself sit down and write it. I might have to work out a schedule after NaNo for doing 2K words a day.

That's it, really. I just wanted to let you know I hadn't forgotten about this journal.

I have fallen into a trap. A deep, seductive trap. A time-sucking trap. This trap is called "research".

A while back, I started writing a story that is only called "Arcana". I liked it quite a bit, but got stuck for ideas. So, I decided to get some books from the library, do some research on related subjects, and see if anything sparked my imagination.

And sparked I was. But now I am drowning the the deluge of snippets and ideas swimming in my head. There is no way it would fit into one story. First of all, because the length make Tolkien hesitant to pick it up. Second of all, because there is enough for at least two completely different plots. Maybe three, if I'm talented enough.

So, instead of writing any of this stuff down, I just carted my ass back to the library to get more books. And partway through one of them, I realized just what I was doing. And yet, I still can't seem to bring myself to write.

I tried doing flashcards with scenes I have in my head ("intro to character x", for example), but even that isn't helping much. I am worried that part of my block is because with Nano coming up, I don't feel like doing anything.

Not really sure how to wrap this up, except to say, "arg".

I am cranky and sick and not working on anything. I feel totally blocked up and uninspired. I think I need a creative recharge, but I'm even out of ideas on how to do that.

Not much point to this, really. Just how cranky I am.

I'm...condensing. I don't know how to explain it other than that. Let's just say I'm condensing.

In the meantime, I want to share pieces of two poems with you. No, I didn't write them. But as haydenthorne said, they could be very inspirational. If not to me, then to you.

( The Sick Rose )

( Manfred )

My subconscious continues to slap me in the face with the giant one-eyed wonder weasel of inspiration. I am trying to deal with it rationally by just making notes of the dreams I have, figuring out what context I could use them in, and try not to get my goddamn eye poked out.

In less scary news, writing the way I am is not working. That is, writing in different scenes. I've always written straight through, and this seems to be killing my brain. vr2lbast suggested I try writing straight through again, and just adding the scenes I've already done once I get to them.

It's certainly worth a shot, since I have less than six thousand words in A Walled Garden, and less than three thousand in the novel that was inspired by aforementioned slappage. Considering I also haven't worked on anything original in several days, it's definitely worth a shot.

I've been having a lot of interesting dreams lately.

The good part about that is that some of them would make interesting stories. The bad part is, all I seem to be doing is writing down ideas and worldbuilding.

I've almost completely shelved "A Walled Garden"--I already feel burned out on it. I'm not writing anything but notes these days anyway. I'm blocked up again.

Referring to the ideas I'm getting...I wonder if some of them will even have a market, if I do anything with them.

I finally got paid, so I rented "Wall Street" from the library. I am supposedly getting copies of the other movies I want from my exfiance (we'll see).

As I was laying on the couch watching it, I was thiniking, "damn, this movie isn't as sexy as I thought it would be. The villain guy is way too friendly". And then a voice in the back of my head said, "this is supposed to be for research, you freak!".

I haven't been writing anything lately, because I've been feeling like utter shit and haven't been sleeping well. Hopefully the stones will pass quickly.