Something was brought to my attention last night by blackjackrocket:

Me: Yeah, I saw. That's why I came to give you a scene from Turquoise to write. Dunno how much help I can be since I'm not doing well with writing myself, but we'll see
Blackjack: ooh, that's all right
Blackjack: hey, you said "I'm" instead of "I am"
Me: *Blinks* I...yes, I did. Is that odd?
Blackjack: you usually don't contract those words
Me: Huh. I never noticed that.
Blackjack: I think it's left over from not contracting during NaNo, but that seems to be the only phrase you do it to
Me: I contract most words unless I am (hah!) pissed off.
Me: Huh. I guess I don't do "I'm" much.

I scrolled through the first page of my personal journal. I am I am I am, with only one "I'm". I noticed that when I went to type "I'm", it would automatically be "I am". I'm going to have to work on that.

Insofar as writing goes, I'm still feeling very stuck. I got a few lines yesterday, but I just sort of...fizzled out. I have a wall at home that has sticky notes with scenes I want to get to get written on them. They're mocking me at this point. I think I need to find some new block breaking techniques.

Thanks to a suggestion by wolfgangmozart, I went to multilingual to see what Mihan means in Farsi. Apparently, it means homeland. I can deal with that being the meaning of her name.

So, yeah. Now I just need some more concrete things, and I can really get down to work. I still suffer from the probably of having no end point, though. I need to think more on that.

I was thinking about something for my Arcana story. A character appeared, and told me that her name was Mihan. I was more or less fine with that. However, I ran the name on google, just to make sure it's not Mandarin for whale testicle, or something like that.

Apparently, it's a Korean name. It's also a word in Farsi. I only know how to say "thank you" and count to ten in Korean, and know zero Farsi, so I've been trying to find out exactly what the word means in both langauges. I've had no luck. Neither baby name sites nor translator sites can tell me what this word means. I would like to let her have the name she wants, but I'd rather know what it means first.

There is something in my brain that wants me to write it, but I don't know what it is. It's nebulous, and moves away when I try to grasp it. It's getting very frustrating.

I apologize for neglecting this journal.

After NaNo, I haven't looked much at the novel I was working on. I printed out all 119 pages, but the problem is...I realized I don't have an ending. I have that problem with novels, I have discovered. I don't have a clear ending in sight, so I burn out and never finish. So, I have put it to the side, for now.

Last night, I was flipping through my MP3 player, just seeing what was on it. I came across the song "Showbiz", by Muse (I can send it to you if you want it.). Something hit me, and I just started writing.

I wasn't sure what it was while I was writing it. I am still not sure. I know it involved the characters I mentioned in the bit of boysmut I mentioned I was writing a while ago. It hit me sometime later on that I may have just writing out-of-character, abusive dubcon for my own characters.

So...I think I need another original project to focus on. I have scraps of the ideas I had before, but nothing is really interesting me right now.

I'm...condensing. I don't know how to explain it other than that. Let's just say I'm condensing.

In the meantime, I want to share pieces of two poems with you. No, I didn't write them. But as haydenthorne said, they could be very inspirational. If not to me, then to you.

( The Sick Rose )

( Manfred )